I honestly wish or hope everyone can see through the smile on my face. I hurt deep down but the people I care about are too busy to see it. Everyday, I have a lot of things to deal with internally and still appear to be fine. I would love to talk about it but to WHO exactly without being judged or misunderstood. There was a time in my life when I was genuinely happy and unbothered with happenings around me or what people will think or say. How did I even let myself go, how did I get to this stage of getting so deep in people that I end up being terribly hurt? Finding myself back on track has been a tug of war. Of what benefits am I to people really? It feels like I just struggle to stay relevant and no matter the effort I put, it will never be acknowledged. What happens if I die? No one will be moved really, so why not!! If this doesn’t end me (deep sigh), I will end up in my own cave to never return.

One comment

  1. I cried reading ur secret cos I can relate. I don’t even know what happiness feels like anymore. Few months ago I found some1, he saw through my smile that I was hurting, he listened to me. He was my 1st boyfriend at 27yrs, then he broke me in ways I never thought existed. Sometimes I wonder if I am cursed, my parents are toxic towards each other and us, my dad tells us we can never be happy cos he is not happy, says we are mistake and we can leave he’ll replace us. I try to be there for people cos I know how it feels to be really sad and lonely and how sadness can make people make bad choices. I try to be there for my friends but they don’t reciprocate in the way I want. Lately one of my friend has been trying for me, I sometimes wonder if she sees me as her friend or as a case/client cos she studied psychology but whatever I am grateful for having her. I am really working on myself, to be ok with just me and not rely on anyone to make me happy or acknowledge my pain, it’s soo hard, I have had to start over so many times but I am not giving up on myself. This don’t get to be my story, my life is going to be as magical and adventurous as I want it to be. Not my father, ex, friend, family, the voices in my head or a Stranger gets to dictate my life. I’ll cry when I need to, rest when I need too and keep pushing because I will win. I might not be happy but I’ll be at peace, I’ll make lots of money and I’ll come back here to tell you all that I MADE IT.

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