Okay, finally feels good to share this with someone. I’m 18 years old, I want to be become an artiste because it’s the only this I have passion for and knows how to do. When I was still in secondary school, the university I loved and would love to go was Unilorin but had to change it to Unilag because of the career I wanted to pursue . I live in Osogbo so I thought schooling in Lagos would help my career as I would have known the studios and people that might help me with my career before I graduate. I’m the type that puts God first in everything I do so after making that decision to go to Unilag, I prayed to God to let me get admitted as this would make me think he’s with me on the path I chose. Did post utme, didn’t pass quite much but my dad knows two lecturers that promised to help to cut it short . I didn’t get the admission. I was so broken but I’m the type that do not take things to heart and doesn’t let anything shake my heart or make me depressed so I tried to cover up the pain and smile like nothing is wrong. Thought the school was impossible based on what I heard that they don’t really give admission but I’m always reminded of the pain after I discovered that two of my friends that doesn’t even know anyone there got admitted. I didn’t wanna choose the school twice so I decided to just choose Unilorin, my parents abused me that if I had chosen Unilorin last year, I would have been in school by now cause my dad helped a boy that didn’t even pass their post utme get into the school without any stress because he knows lectures there . Hearing this, I felt relieved and so sure I’m getting admission this year. I did jamb and post utme and I passed, first list came out, second and third still my name wasn’t there, I was so desperate about getting admission this year like my life depends on it reason because: 1. Out of all of us that graduated in 2018, I’m the only one left to get admission 2. People that we went to obtain jamb form and did lesson together last year that I was even the chair lady of prayer that we all won’t have any reason to write jamb again this year had all gotten admission except me 3. I’m usually the only one at home and depression and anxiety atttacks has been taking it tolls on me thinking stupid things that are way beyond my thinking capacity like what’s the special feeling that makes one excited about food when thinking this . I think it in ways that are way so beyond me and it’ll be like I’m about to run mad and it’ll be telling me to just end my life so I’ll get done it . I’m sure if I was in school with people gisting and stuff . I’m sure these thoughts won’t be coming. I prayed even went to mountain, fasted and cried my eyes out to God to let me get this admission . I’ve never wanted something that bad in my life. I have never had a boyfriend though I dreamt of having it in school so I literally have no one like I’m so lonely, my former friends all ditched me since they are all in school and with new friends so who am I to them. I don’t even post on WhatsApp because all they do is ask about my admission status and it’s so embarrrasing telling them not yet all the time. I feel so little to all my friends like they’re my superior because of admission most that I’m even older than. Staying home too mum is in serious debt so debtors coming here and there to embarrass her and it kills me so much like I just need somewhere to escape to that’s also why this admission means a lot to me. I can’t imagine seating to write another jamb with my 2 years juniors in school and I’m 3 years older than most of them and they are so disrespectful I literally dislike them so seating to write another jamb with will literally make me wanna faint. Praying about my moms situation and my own admission and the prayers doesn’t seem answered makes me ask God if there’s anything like special sin maybe that’s what I’ve committed. So my admission chance according to the lecturers is a 50/50 chance now so I don’t even know what to do if I don’t end up getting it. I’ve never felt broken like this in my life and I don’t want to commit sucide specially cause of my mum I don’t wanna break her. I’m strong but I’m tired.