Confused

I was molested at a very young age by my older cousin who was like 20+ around the time. At such a young age I didn’t understand what was happening to me and I couldn’t explain to anyone , not even my mum . I felt really bad as a person and disgusted by myself . He stopped living with us a few years later and that was when it stopped. I hated seeing him at family gatherings and always dreaded saying hello to him. I was always uncomfortable being around him or listening to him speak. I lost my dad four years ago and this same cousin tells me to stay away from boys and be cautious . I think to myself that’s not your place to say. I carry this around in my heart and tell myself this shouldn’t define me and I’m stronger. Somedays I want to tell my mum and just blurt everything to her and other days I tell myself I’ll never tell her . I’m scared and I know if she finds out it’ll break her. What do you think I should do connoters ?

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