Balance

I dated this guy, I loved him so much that I would do anything to please him, he is like 14 years older than me. I had sex with him in the first month knowing fully well that he was actually my first even after I was raped. Though I had dated guys before him but have never had sex with them. The guy was fond of over riding and insulting me. He makes me feel bad but still claims he loved me. He spent money on me though but I actually spent more and I actually hate myself for that. We had a little issue cos he told me to get out of his phone that I was wasting his airtime when he traveled to his hometown. I felt bad and decided to send him a text message that he should mind how he talks to me.. He replied with insults saying I have low self esteem that I should work on myself and that am behaving like a child. I felt like really bad though and texted him back saying he was the one behaving like a child that he should act like his age. He immediately called me back, while trying to warn me, I hung up on him. This guy never called or picked my call for about 3weeks. I felt bad and decided to send him an apology message on WhatsApp. He used to the privilege to break up with me and warned me never to call him again that he wants us to be friends with benefit. I replied back saying that I dont need his friendship and we should pretend we never met before. He didn’t reply
After a week, he texted me saying he was around. The messaged sounded to me as if he was ordering me to come see him so I snubbed him. He called me I declined the call. Since then, he hasn’t called me. I can’t deny it I still love and miss him. I haven’t been myself since the break up. I don’t know what to do like seriously cos I dont want to keep having sex around. I want him to be the first and last till I get married.