So I dated a guy for 13 months. And to be honest, it was really the best relationship I’ve ever been in, communication was consistent, he understood me and my background, he was curious about me and he was really supportive. Except that whenever we had any little fight, his first response was to breakup that he can’t deal with a relationship, blah blah. Also, I was always initiating visiting him since we lived about 1hr30mins drive from each other, but he always had excuses. He either needs to travel, or go see his mum or go for a family function, his most common excuse was that he doesn’t really have money and he wouldn’t want me to visit him and not be convenient/spoiled, basically, there wasn’t a single time that I initiated visiting that it actually worked out. We were only able to see on very few occasions and for only a few hours on each occasion. I asked on different occasions too that if I can’t visit him, he could as well come and visit me in school then, but he still won’t come. I wasn’t okay with this because I’m a quality time person and the fact that we weren’t seeing each other created a kind of void in me. This, coupled with the fact that he always wanted to breakup at every fight, just had me drained because I was tired of begging him each time he broke up and also begging to see him everytime. Although we talk a lot over the phone, audio/video call for hours, and we text a lot too. But it didn’t quite cut it for me, I like to spend time with the person I love. I even got madder because we live in the same state! It shouldn’t be so hard to see each other. So in the heat of things, and after overthinking everything, I broke up with him. I still really really loved him but I was beginning to feel like I was forcing it and I was doing too much (which is a pattern in all of my relationships, and I’m not trying to repeat history again), and it was draining. When I broke up with him over the phone, he broke down crying, called my friends and my brother to beg me. It broke my heart to see him cry, but at that point, I already checked out mentally and I had a kind of resentment towards him because I thought he was beginning to act like every other person I’ve dated or talked to, so I only kept pushing him away. Mind you, I’ve never loved anybody as much as I loved him and according to our conversations, we were dating to marry so we were both invested in the relationship. But I chose to put myself first, hence the breakup. For about the 3 months after the breakup, he was still crying and begging, admitting his mistakes and promising to do better, I believed him actually, I knew he’d change, but I had mentally checked out and unconsciously harboured resentment before I broke up. So I only kept pushing him away and telling him to move on. We’d talk once in a while, catch up and stuff, but communication was inconsistent. After a while, he stopped reaching out, I figured that he had blocked me everywhere. At that moment, I was beginning to reminisce on the good parts of what we had and I already realised that there aren’t so many people like him and a relationship like what we had is rare. I was beginning to have a change of mind but I was scared and I didn’t know how to go about it. Because I don’t want to have to be the one to do all the reaching out, resolution and all, as I’ve done that several times in the past and I only ended up being treated badly. I still tried to reach out to him on all handles, emails, and phone numbers, but he was just unreachable everywhere. I was confused, and angry at the same time (angry because he was fond of blocking me during the relationship after every fight too, and I thought that he still hasn’t changed). When I tried to no avail and I figured that I was thinking about him too much, I decided to distract myself with school work, I also started talking to another guy just to get my mind off this guy. Some months after, he just randomly called and asked if we could still get back together, obviously my instant response was “I don’t think so”, because he can’t expect to go ghost for that long and still expect me to agree to getting back instantly. He unblocked and followed me back on my socials and we got talking, it was then I knew that he got talking with another girl but he said he didn’t like her as much as he liked me and he just couldn’t stop thinking about me. I believed him, and I obviously felt the same way about him too but I didn’t say it just yet because I needed to be sure if he meant what he was saying. Well, we talked for a few days and he went ghost again🤦🏾‍♀️. This inconsistency just got me sick because I still liked him and he can’t keep going on and off and expect anything to come out of it. Well, we were able to properly talk recently and he said he had no choice but to get back with the girl he was talking to, he said he wasn’t happy in the relationship and the relationship with the girl isn’t working but he’s willing to keep trying to make it work. He said he was hurt when I kept telling him to move on because it felt like I didn’t love him anymore. But the truth is that I loved him all along, I never stopped loving him, it was just the way he treated me while the relationship lasted that got me drained and I was tired of experiencing the same thing in all my relationships. He’s a really good guy, I still really really love him and I care about him so much, but right now, I’m confused. I know I shouldn’t have said those things I said to him when I first broke up, he didn’t deserve that, I wish he understands that I didn’t mean them. I don’t know if I can forgive myself for letting this slip though. I don’t know what to do, I just really need to get this off my chest. NB; the guy I was talking to, I had to cut ties with him because I wasn’t feeling him. I figured that I couldn’t like anybody as much as I liked my ex and it’s really difficult for me to move on.