I feel ‘I am’ stuck

I’m tired. I’m literally crying my eyes out while writing this. my junior sister is going for her NYSC tomorrow while I’m here batting with my sciks still over. I’m happy for her. God knows. it. but I just can’t help myself. I’m not jealous. I’m just frustrated. Growing up, I was literally always the best. in school. Even had my name printer out on my second school handbook about having the best waec and jamb result. but now I’m just stuck. everybody seems to be having something good going for them. I should have graduated in ‘2018’ man. but now I’m just waiting for any miracle. hoping I just wake up from the horribwl nightmare. I was a promising child. Now I’m just like a side character in everyone’s story with no story of my own. No friends, no one to talk to. only Instagram and YouTube. im literally alone and lonely. All for one stupidly ignorant mistake I made in 2017 and its like I keep digging myself into the rabbit hole.My younger brother got into school of medicine and my parents are going all in for him. And I can’t even open my mind to remind them that I should also be in school doing my second spill over. because I shouldn’t even be in my parent’s house now. like I should be be supporting them. My dad is a pastor in CAC, so there’s a few comments of it being spiritual from my parents here and there. And God know how that has affected my anxiety, over thinking and confidence. Now I’m forced to smile at people because what’s else am I good for right. I can’t even speak up to my min without her saying that ‘I have nothing to offer get I’m proud’I’m a 24 year old girl with nothing worth living for. funny thing is I don’t even want to end everything. I’m just frustrated like why does life have to treat me this unfair. I get it. I fucked up. let me move on please. its been 5 years. But here I am broke, discarded, self pitying idiot that’s crying her eyes out on her room, debtor, lol. im now someone that people ignore. I just want to sleep, wake up with no memory of anything and start my life again. I just need someone to talk to. someone that’ll understand. maybe someone in similar situation sef.

3 comments

  1. I understand you because i am in the same situation. Can’t reveal my details here. At some point, i wanted to drop out but i continued. I battled the same things you battled and i still do but be encouraged. Consequences can be terrible but it gets better. I have learnt that no one will pick you up, no one will even pity you. You have to get yourself up and do your best, even with the shame, anxiety and pain. The only way out is through. Please cry when you want to, then sit up and do what you gotta do. My words may not carry much weight because when people spoke with me when i knew i was going to spill, i knew it was not from a place of understanding. They could not understand, i was sure. So, please find ways to encourage yourself. I will keep you in my prayers. 💡♥️

  2. everybody has a way life has been dealing with him /her . obstacles are meant to occur in human life and how we overcome it is our role to play . so, never relent better days are coming . may the good lord see you through

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