Am so confused

This is quite funny, i am a lady who was once addicted to masturbating though I won’t say it’s my fault because the guy who disvirgined me didn’t make me like sex. The three years I spent with him, I never experienced orgasm for once. Fast forward to now, i am with a guy I love so much, though he makes me reach orgasms once in a blue moon but I don’t let him know this instead I pretend like I reached orgasm. My problem now is after sex, once he goes out and I try to masturbate, immediately I release I feel irritated with myself like sometimes I try to get myself high so I won’t feel so bad. These days I don’t look forward to having sex with my guy and it’s really creating a big issue because he feels like he is forcing himself on me. I don’t know what to, this is some one who so committed to me like he is ready to get married to me.

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