Depressed

I feel used and stupid
I met this guy 2016, we became really close, started dating 2 years later. I am a very honest person when it comes to love. Between 2019 and this year, I did that sleeping with guys for money stuff to fix a lot of bills for myself and my family because I was a student and didn’t have or get any part time job at that moment. He wasn’t really there for me due to an issue we had last year, he was cold to me and wouldn’t even listen to anything I say throughout 2019. In 2020, when i saw he wanted us to sort things out and get back together and be serious I wanted to start again in all honesty and no secrets. I decided to tell him about the stuffs I did and still did but that I was going to stop and get a job with my OND result which I just acquired this year. He got so mad but after some months he said he’s only going to give us another chance if I promise never to do such again. I promised and told him he won’t regret it. Few months later, baba came to tell me he can’t do it that mere thinking about what I did gives him nightmares and that he doesn’t think I will ever change to the former me again, that he can’t take it. He’s getting married to his ex in 3 months though, how he still kept his ex got me wondering. I feel guilty and paid people said I shouldn’t have told him but am not the type to hide things from my partner. I feel like I’m going to die, I love this guy so much and he was my everything like I built friendship and all around him. After the years, he knows me, he knows I’m not like this and was just trying not to be a school dropout. My family was moving to the village, we had nothing I was only trying to help myself in anyway at that moment.

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