Confused

Hmm, I really don’t understand this thing called LOVE. Wanna know why I said that ? Okay, lemme brief you on some things. I have a “female sister” that has a very perfect relationship, this relationship was so perfect that my mom and other siblings can simply testify to it as the simple truth . It even got to a point that I started getting jealous of the relationship like I wish I had it too( though I never dated). I was so happy for her , seeing everything the guy is doing and has done, the guy’s brothers loves this sister so much and almost everyone knows them together . They have been dating for the last eight years hmm…they seem inseparable right ? That’s what I thought too. To cut it short, the guy started acting up and he’s like making effort to dump her . There are lots of issues on that but I’ll brief that. Today, the sister woke up and was acting moody, I thought it’s one of her mood swing days so I didn’t pay much attention to it. When she was receiving a phone call, I entered and saw her crying . I tried to ignore that to make her feel free to continue with her conversation but I knew something was wrong so I was eavesdropping though, I didn’t hear clearly because I was being cautious of being seen but I was still able to deduce what was wrong with her . Her boyfriend that has been acting up was actually cheating . He has a new girlfriend and this new girlfriend happens to be someone the sister knows and she knows for a fact that they were dating so she betrayed her . She was talking to one of the guy’s friend and she was also crying. I was more than heartbroken because I’m the type that puts family over myself and my feelings . Been tryna let go of that feeling but I couldn’t. I was so moved to tears but I was able to control it . She still hasn’t eaten and not spoken to anyone about it. Now to tell you how this is connected to my own personal feelings. I’ve never had a boyfriend though I’m over 18yrs . During the times I didn’t have, I was still yearning for it deep down and when guys ask me why I can’t date them ‘ many ask if I’ve been hurt by anyone or if my friend has ‘ I’d be like No . Even if that should happen, it wouldn’t be my cup of tea like I’d still be eager to try love out. I saw in a movie one day, a lady got jilted by a man she loves and because of that, she refused to let other men in so as not to hurt her again . I was like I’ll never be in this kind of situation that if a guy should leave me, I’ll let myself out and just find another one no matter how many break ups I get I’ll still be open for love . Those were my words few months back. But today after witnessing how the most perfect relationship I’ve seen crushed down, I started feeling scared and insecure . I was like this surely will happen to me when I start dating , things I never said or thought of before now . It’s starting to change my mindset about me having a relationship, I’m starting to be scared to let my heart out and get hurt . I’m afraid I’d fall so deep in love and end up getting hurt, I’m afraid a jerk would pierce my heart into a million pieces, I’m starting to be insecure about love. For the first time in a while or in my life, I felt so happy and free deep down that I’m not in any relationship. This that happened today is starting to affect my head and thinking about love, I don’t wanna think like this, I don’t want to be trapped in this thought but it’s so hard to get it outta my head . I don’t see myself loving anyone anytime soon .I’m confused because this is something I’ve always wanted but why am I not getting excited when I’m thinking of it like I used to ? Why can’t I help but think my relationship would crumble like this very perfect one ? I’m so confused because my head has been really messed up . I’m also heartbroken for the sister because I know it’ll take days or weeks before she gets outta this . I just wish schools would resume tomorrow because I need to escape from all these things happening!!!!

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