To truth.

I know how you feel. I relate to everything you said. Nobody really understands how it’s like. It’s dark, like a very dark hole. You’re falling you are trying to get out but it’s like you can’t. Sometimes you don’t even want to try anymore. When you’re with people it feels like everyone has everything together except you. Sometimes I go to church, I see how happy everyone is praising God and I wonder what it feels like to be that happy . I wonder if God remembers that he made me because it sure doesn’t feel like he does. All I can do is cry uncontrollably. I’ve had more break downs in church than in any other public place. Looking around you , you just feel useless. And then the crying, half the time you don’t even know why you’re crying but your brain is whispering all your insecurities , how useless you are, failure, all those bad things and all you can do is cry. It’s terrible. Most of the time I just want to end it all but I’m scared . I think about my parents, I don’t want them to feel like they weren’t enough. People pray against death and all that but sometimes I tell myself that it’ll be better if death comes from another means. It’ll be easier for both me and my parents.
This is not really something you can talk to someone about because you feel guilty like you are doing something really bad by just existing with such a disease. But let me tell you, it is a mental illness.
It doesn’t let you see a future in anything. Your mind is blocked, you can’t see any future for yourself not unless you get help. You need to see a psychologist, it doesn’t get better unless you do. Trust me it’s an almost magical transformation. Don’t end it yet, try this first. Trust this one last thing, they give you medications and after a while you will see life the way it should be seen. The way its supposed to be. Whoever you are I hope you do this .
Sending you love from this side. ❤️

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