Scarlet Angel

So I met this guy A about 6 years ago, never seen each other but it was the closest I have ever been with a human being and I know I can’t ever be that vulnerable again . I wonder what that says for my future hubby, we exchanged calls, chats, messages, voice notes I thought I knew him better than myself . From the first meeting it was like finally someone got me . I could tell him all my insecurities, the depression anxiety, feeling that i wasn’t enough, that i didn’t have where I hurt, where the scars were . I felt he understood because he reciprocated in kind , we became friends until I found myself getting jealous when he spoke about other girls and I knew even as young as I was , I was in love. I kept mute until the day he told me he felt the same way . I was in 400 level then, It was all of what we had been doing and more . The only friend I had then was him , maybe I became too dependent on him . Everything was going so well till 500 level . I wanted to see him at least , told him about the doubts I was having and he always calmed my mind . Second semester, I told him my fears, our religion was different so was the tribe . I resulted to being best friends because I couldn’t bear to lose him . He stopped talking to me for a while until he came back and accepted and we were good . There was no break in communication no more but he insisted on me visiting which I declined . During nysc, he asked me to choose the state he was in but I had an organization I wanted to go . I found love or love found me but i always followed the rule to keep myself till am sure this is the man I wanna be with forever . After nysc , I got my heart broken and he was the one I cried to . Fast forward 2018, It was time for masters and he wanted me to choose a nearby state to him except I just choose any available school since the school I wanted didn’t work out . During most of our conversation, I made him realize that physical intimacy goes above sharing your body because it seems to me girls are always at the loosing end and also I had a deep fear of physical pleasure . It was a deep rooted fear I hoped with time will fade away . Anyways, in life I had a philosophy of keeping to my promise, because I wanted people to believe in me . Six years ago I told him if he cane visiting I’ll reciprocate . Beginning of 2019, he said we were gonna see but I took it at face length until he was just there at my school . I was in a long distance relationship then where i felt my heart wasn’t maybe because I was still clamoring for A . It was like all the feelings came rushing back . That day he tried to have se* with me which I told him no flatly and he agreed . I already made a promise that I was bound to fulfill . So after two weeks , i made my way to where he resided . I got there real late as it was about 8 hours or more journey . I ate the food I brought along and it was time to sleep . I slept on the couch when I was woken to come in . I entered and slept in a corner when A came in asking me for se* and I said no . I wasn’t waiting till marriage just till proposal . Just till I am sure its real . He said he wanted to get off but he held my hands tightly together that even as I said no, even as I pleaded, he tried to penetrate but couldn’t . I was bleeding a lot, I thought the blood was supposed to be just a smear but this was real lot . I thought about everything I had and what I didn’t that even during the course of being acquainted for five years I owed him no dime . Even as I struggled to pay my school fees and handle my project, he had destroyed something in me that night because I now know se* is nothing more than pain . He ruined the picture of what I wanted for my first time . It wasn’t special to him because he supposedly had deflowered many girls . I felt tainted and it felt like I was drowning . He was my friend, my best friend, a mentor and my first love . I dared to ask how could he. I knew then I was capable of evil because if I had any powers whatsoever he’ll be dead and gone from this world . I struggle and battle with depression because it feels like it was my fault . I brought it on my self . I didn’t wanna write it down so it wouldn’t be real . If I didn’t think about it , maybe it didn’t happen . My mind is disconnected because I dunno the name to describe what happened . Did I bring this on myself or its just a lesson . I who held on to the fact I hadn’t been with anyone apart from childish shenanigans . I held and kept my self for 24 years and yet it went all away with water . I said no, I said stop, I cried, but I couldn’t fight . What exactly happened ? Was I taught a lesson ? I guess a part of me wanted to be sure . At least I am now but its too late and yet when asked I’ll say the truth . But what is the truth, that’s what I need to find out . Was it my fault ? I feel if I have a clarification maybe my heart will be at peace even if its for a little while.

4 comments

  1. Scarlet Angel, what has happened has happened. The way forward is testing every other male gender that comes your way, failing the test would signify the kind of person he is and you can run away.

  2. Let it ring in your head that it is not your fault . Some bad occurrences happen that isn’t always in our hands . But whatever those occurrences may be let us come out stronger and raise our heads high above them . Not being a virgin does not stop you from having the best husband any woman can ever get . A man who will love you and respect you for who you are is what you should pray for .

  3. I really and do share in your pain even as a man . When our 3rd leg is out of control our heads cannot stop it from achieving its aim. I am not justifying what he did as right….and this I condemn with everything in me….

  4. So sad… But life goes on. You don’t have to blame yourself for anything. I know you’d feel irritated and rejected by your own self. You’d prolly blame yourself for leaving your house to his place. Long story short, you will be fine. I’m sending you hugs 🤗

    Peace✌️ I’m David(d_scott22019) if you need someone to talk to.

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