So I met this guy A about 6 years ago, never seen each other but it was the closest I have ever been with a human being and I know I can’t ever be that vulnerable again . I wonder what that says for my future hubby, we exchanged calls, chats, messages, voice notes I thought I knew him better than myself . From the first meeting it was like finally someone got me . I could tell him all my insecurities, the depression anxiety, feeling that i wasn’t enough, that i didn’t have where I hurt, where the scars were . I felt he understood because he reciprocated in kind , we became friends until I found myself getting jealous when he spoke about other girls and I knew even as young as I was , I was in love. I kept mute until the day he told me he felt the same way . I was in 400 level then, It was all of what we had been doing and more . The only friend I had then was him , maybe I became too dependent on him . Everything was going so well till 500 level . I wanted to see him at least , told him about the doubts I was having and he always calmed my mind . Second semester, I told him my fears, our religion was different so was the tribe . I resulted to being best friends because I couldn’t bear to lose him . He stopped talking to me for a while until he came back and accepted and we were good . There was no break in communication no more but he insisted on me visiting which I declined . During nysc, he asked me to choose the state he was in but I had an organization I wanted to go . I found love or love found me but i always followed the rule to keep myself till am sure this is the man I wanna be with forever . After nysc , I got my heart broken and he was the one I cried to . Fast forward 2018, It was time for masters and he wanted me to choose a nearby state to him except I just choose any available school since the school I wanted didn’t work out . During most of our conversation, I made him realize that physical intimacy goes above sharing your body because it seems to me girls are always at the loosing end and also I had a deep fear of physical pleasure . It was a deep rooted fear I hoped with time will fade away . Anyways, in life I had a philosophy of keeping to my promise, because I wanted people to believe in me . Six years ago I told him if he cane visiting I’ll reciprocate . Beginning of 2019, he said we were gonna see but I took it at face length until he was just there at my school . I was in a long distance relationship then where i felt my heart wasn’t maybe because I was still clamoring for A . It was like all the feelings came rushing back . That day he tried to have se* with me which I told him no flatly and he agreed . I already made a promise that I was bound to fulfill . So after two weeks , i made my way to where he resided . I got there real late as it was about 8 hours or more journey . I ate the food I brought along and it was time to sleep . I slept on the couch when I was woken to come in . I entered and slept in a corner when A came in asking me for se* and I said no . I wasn’t waiting till marriage just till proposal . Just till I am sure its real . He said he wanted to get off but he held my hands tightly together that even as I said no, even as I pleaded, he tried to penetrate but couldn’t . I was bleeding a lot, I thought the blood was supposed to be just a smear but this was real lot . I thought about everything I had and what I didn’t that even during the course of being acquainted for five years I owed him no dime . Even as I struggled to pay my school fees and handle my project, he had destroyed something in me that night because I now know se* is nothing more than pain . He ruined the picture of what I wanted for my first time . It wasn’t special to him because he supposedly had deflowered many girls . I felt tainted and it felt like I was drowning . He was my friend, my best friend, a mentor and my first love . I dared to ask how could he. I knew then I was capable of evil because if I had any powers whatsoever he’ll be dead and gone from this world . I struggle and battle with depression because it feels like it was my fault . I brought it on my self . I didn’t wanna write it down so it wouldn’t be real . If I didn’t think about it , maybe it didn’t happen . My mind is disconnected because I dunno the name to describe what happened . Did I bring this on myself or its just a lesson . I who held on to the fact I hadn’t been with anyone apart from childish shenanigans . I held and kept my self for 24 years and yet it went all away with water . I said no, I said stop, I cried, but I couldn’t fight . What exactly happened ? Was I taught a lesson ? I guess a part of me wanted to be sure . At least I am now but its too late and yet when asked I’ll say the truth . But what is the truth, that’s what I need to find out . Was it my fault ? I feel if I have a clarification maybe my heart will be at peace even if its for a little while.