My thoughts today.

At a point , I was ok with being and staying a fool for you even though you didn’t love me enough to stop . At least it kept us together . I was ok with hurting and getting trampled on knowing I could not expect any better from you but the whole point of getting with you was for the love , care and attention but even that was too much to ask of you . What I got was carelessness and hopelessness , I was so invested in the love I had for you that I refused to accept things for what they were . I refused to see you for the douchebag you are , I became more concerned in holding on to you that I forgot to expect love in return . You emotionally destroyed me yet carried on like it was nothing . You’re living your bestlife or so you want me to think . While I lie here drowning in my silent tears and picking up the pieces of my shattered heart I hope I find the strength to forgive you for hurting me , for causing me tears that only came in noiseless sobs , for making me feel lower than the dirt . I hope I’m able to pray against the bitterness that wants to consume my soul . I hope that I’m able to pray myself out of the misery you put me in . I hope I’m able to pray a good prayer for you and not regret it . Too much energy on showing I fucked with you but I woke up different today show me you fucked with me . I’m done being the one everyone has . To be honest , maybe at some point we really did love each other purely but it was a constant switch to pain from bliss . We never wanted to own up to the fact that we might be toxic for each other , we never loved ourselves enough to find out this truth or we never wanted to face that one true fact about us so we stayed and inflicted pain and injury in a place that should have been a safe haven , a home away from home . I want to believe that you called the other day because you felt my absence . It’s okay to miss someone , I miss you too but for the sake of my sanity you have to stay out of my life and I’ll stay out of yours . Occasionally , I wish you were willing to do all the things you now do when you had me . I guess I was never really enough for you . I was too far for you though you flattered me about it . I was mean though you caused it and I’m not an expert in anger management but you found your match too . While isolating me from my guy friends . You you did it . You threatened me whenever I wanted to go out with my friends but you entertained bitches on the side . Now that I think of it I wasn’t all that to you . I was just a live in play thing , a sex machine , I had an abortion because of your stupid ass and it kills me a little whenever I think of it . I hope and pray God forgives me everyday . You never cared about my tears , you never cared enough to change the things that distressed me . No , it wasn’t your business . You killed my spirit and self-esteem one day at a time . You ruined me for the next man while I learnt to live with your abuse . Should have listened to your mum when she told me to think deeply if I’d be able to cope with you . I was thinking and accepting the toxic fact that every man acts the way you do. My dad acts that way towards my mum . I come from a toxic family , I have an abusive dad and I saw the red flags and I chose to ignore them thinking I could love the toxicity out of you . Shame on me . Your background has a lot to do with it and I keep asking myself when and how I ended up with you . It’s question I can’t find an exact and solid answer for . I keep beating myself over you but you ain’t shit . Too bad .

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