I think I’ve been emotionally stunted when it comes to male and AMAB friendships because of the weird power dynamics i had with my older “friends” in high school (borderline grooming). I can’t have normal friendships without feeling a little threatened or afraid someone is just around me to eventually confess. I usually prefer women anyways, but i couldnt feel 100% safe with any of my AMAB friends unless they had partners or were gay or something. I also overcompensate my own masculinity to feel more strong or safe or guarded around men and AMAB people, because i know for the most part they aren’t going to get the experiences I’ve had with male friends in the past or understand why it’s so hard for me to rationalize against it. If i get dumped this week i don’t think i’ll ever date a man long term again. The feeling of the power balance being not even makes me so fucking angry that it makes me genuinely violent, and when some people i know do literally nothing wrong. I feel like a dog from a shelter whose old owners treated it badly and now I’m scared of big men and AMAB people for no good reason besides trauma. I guess. Whatever. Whatever!