I never got closure from my 4year relationship and it’s killing me. The relationship was toxic mostly from me and I was disrespectful (never cheated). I know It was bad, I have learnt my lessons but my ex made me believe he travelled and i didn’t see him for 9months. The day after my birthday he tried ghosting me but I was unfamiliar with ghosting and was just worried, I called and texted for days before he answered and told me to know my place, I was so sad nd aggrieved I said something really bad. He broke up with me months later. 1year since I last saw him, 5months since breakup. I begged to see him everyday he refused. Blocked everywhere and I’m still begging on mails. I know it’s my fault, I really fucked up but I’m so sad it’s really affecting my life. I would have never thought the person I had all my firsts with would only see me as a waste of time, a regretful mistake. He is the only person I have ever been with, I don’t know anything else. I have tried begging but he says I’m a narcissistic so all my attempts are unwelcome. I want to feel better but I’m so sick now, I have hives everywhere and my body shakes uncontrollably multiple times a day and I feel so empty I’m walking around feeling empty like breeze dey pass through my body