I am finding it very hard to forgive myself what I have done. My ex was my first boyfriend and I quickly discovered that I was a toxic and abusive partner. He was there for me at my worst and brought me up, supported me and believed in me and always provided for me but when things got bad for him i quickly became a person I never knew existed. When he needed me the most I mocked him, called him a failure, put down his efforts. I hurt him so much, I said so many things I am not proud of and it keeps tormenting me. I don’t know how to go about dealing with the guilt and shame I feel. I have always been a kind and considerate person to everyone. Why couldn’t I be that for someone who I loved and who loved me. I have wondered for months if it’s a spiritual problem but I don’t know. I told God to take away my life if all I’ll ever do in life is to cause pain to the one I love the most. I can’t even pray or ask God for anything, I feel unworthy because what am I even, I hurt someone who was only trying his best. I am ashamed, I begged to meet up after the breakup to talk and he refused. Told me I would never see him again and would learn my lesson. I behaved in a way that is new to me and because of it I don’t know what is true anymore. It genuinely feels like I killed a human being