I started seeing this man a year ago. In the begining I did not know his name and I did not care. We started to know each other, went on concert, trips. He tried always to be available that time, I could see him so I could always count on him. He was fun, he is. I liked hanging there in his place and forget how my place was a mess. Some weeks before I met him I had suicidal thoughts. One day I was like “enough, I just want to finish everything”. I have been sad and I often feel grief/sorrow. That one came after a trip and I was thinking the world is not a good place its same every where. World is cruel. Don’t tell me about hell after this, this is already a hell. Seeing how bad we treat each other, especially calling it for “I am doing my job” or these wars. It is very sad to see how we become. I get so sad, I just want to quit. After I met him I had less time to think about it, even though we met like once in a week. I thought if I get one more kid it would make me less suicidal. I would feel now I have something important to do. So I told him that I am in the search for a partner to get kids with. Because of his age I was not considering him as that person. 2 weeks ago I wrote him that I started to date someone and he wrote back that we quit our contact. First I was shocked. Then I got my angusih feeling back, I just wanted to cry day after day and it seemed it would never end. I started to starve myself to stop crying because its too painful. I stopped eating anything sweet. I was already fit, I go to gym I run 3 km once or twice in week, first week I lost 2 kg. Now I don’t want to eat, I get hungry but I don’t feel like I should eat. Right now I want this pain to stop. Someday I wake up and feel exhausted and empty, I think today I want cry but at the end of the day it still catches me. I was not even in love with him. I don’t understand. When I hugged someone else while sex I got picture of me hugging him while sex in my brain. I got too comfortable with him and we never fought. Was my brain blocking feeling to make me feel that I am aimed, and now it just opened it because of fear of meeting new person. Fear of changes, I would prefer myself to think I am materialistic and now I have trouble to meet someone who has less, than considering me to be in love. He wrote in his last message that he always knew that he wasn’t the person I would like to get together with. That got me thinking about all times he got sad or wanted to listen to a sad song with me. I never meant to make him sad. But I did, that’s the worst thing to know. Now I don’t want to say anything to him because if he is trying to get over me I don’t want to interrupt that. I don’t know if I care too much what others thinking. I don’t know what this desire with kids is. Maybe in another world we could be togheter. Maybe if I move to an island to live apart from others I would invite you there. Maybe we would be terrible together maybe we would fight a lot. Maybe we could be together and I could get sperms from someone to get pregnant with. Maybe we could find a solution but I don’t want to tell that to you, because I don’t want to make you more sad.