I’ve realized how toxic I have been with my boyfriend and it has been unintentional but I just found out that I exhibit toxicity. Everything my ex used to do to me I do them to my boyfriend, things like getting angry unnecessarily and even after he begs and begs me for days I won’t still talk to him, giving silent treatments, saying hurtful things to him, getting too jealous, always accusing him of cheating (he has never cheated), always checking his phone, manipulating and gaslighting him and always monitoring who he talks to, stalking him, acting too obsessive and everything. The truth is I was never like this, my ex made me this way because this are the things he used to do to me. I and my ex broke up 2 years ago and that was my longest relationship and I loved him too much because even after we broke up I stayed single because I found it difficult to move on not until late last year when I met my boyfriend. My ex was very toxic, he used to hit me, stalk me, also accuses me of cheating and throughout our relationship I never cheated, insult me, he cheated countless times and turned me to a mad person because I ended up going back to him, he even cloned my social media accounts without me knowing but I found out on the long run. I used to beg him like crazy whenever we had issues and even if he was at fault he would manipulate me in thinking it’s my fault and then I’d start begging him for days, he would just ignore me or ghost me and if he eventually accepted my apology he would still find a way to insult me one way or the other. He was really manipulative and I think it has taken a toll on me 😔, I now exhibit all these toxic traits and I swear I was never like this. I used to be a soft girl, I used to be very vulnerable and i had no trust issues whatsoever. When I love I love with all my heart, I used to have peaceful relationships not until this my ex and I’ve become toxic now. The most baffling part is my boyfriend is very calm with me, irrespective of my toxic behavior and how I act he has always been calm, always take time to beg me, call me, bombard me with messages whenever we have issues even when I ignore or block him out of annoyance sometimes. I swear I’m not proud of all of these, we had a fight 7days ago and this guy begged me for the whole 7 days and the reason behind this fight had no meaning at all. I just turned everything to rough and started acting like a mad person, blocked him everywhere and he kept trying to reach me but I was so adamant till he had to contact my sister to talk to me before I calmed down and we sorted it out. I honestly feel bad, I really want to stop acting this way but the more I try I just end up doing these things subconsciously and after it I cry for days. Please don’t judge me, I really can’t help myself. I really love my boyfriend and I don’t want to lose him, he’s literally everything I want in a guy but why is it when I’m this damaged we had to meet. Why didn’t we meet when I was a soft girl with whole lots of love to give. I’m so disgusted with myself and I feel like he doesn’t deserve me, I’m trying to be better I swear but nothing is working at all 😔