I finally had sex after a long period of abstinence, it wasn’t how I imagined it to be, it was dirty, painful, lowly. I don’t know if I regret it, it wasn’t with the person I planned to do it with. I feel so vulnerable and open like I f**ked up again but I can’t cry, he wasn’t gentle and I couldn’t say no, but I can’t have regrets. I wish I didn’t have to be responsible for all the bad decisions I make then it would be more bearable.