I’ve been in one relationship since junior secondary school till university. My boyfriend(B) was all I had but it wasn’t so on his side. He cheated all through till university, I stayed around regardless. I grew up feeling I wasn’t enough because I didn’t know what I was doing wrong that made him cheat even after several times of apologising & promising to change.
In the university, I met a new & the first friend (M). He was more of my boyfriend(he was a good man aside cheating). I allowed myself to open up to this friendship because M was making the effort. Plus, I push everybody away because B so I literally have no one aside B. I fell in love with M along the way, I couldn’t help it.
But I didn’t want to date him yet I needed him because, at least I had someone to be there for me aside B. I still loved B and tried my best to balance my attention for these 2. In level 200, B was cheating with this new girl & I wasn’t comfortable. So I confronted the girl and B rather condemned me for that. Right in my face, he dated the girl and made it so clear.
This broke me💔. I expected B to at least appreciate me for the effort in making him know I need him not share him but that wasn’t it. Honestly, I lost it. A lot left me so I became very close with M and gave less energy to B because he made me feel he didn’t deserve it. It got to a time, B came to consciousness that he’s messing up and has to make amends.
He asked me to end friendship with M. Which I couldn’t because, yo this is the ONLY friend I have ( I was all there for you but you never appreciated me). He was making all possible efforts to make things right with us but honestly, I couldn’t even pay attention to anything he was doing because I’m broken💔. HE BROKE ME!.
Time flew and I just decided on working things out with B because he is the one I would want to marry. The fear of being broken once more still stayed so opening up fully was a big problem.
He hated everything involving M but I had to keep him on the low because I valued the friendship and was never ready to lose him.
Unfortunately, I had to break ties with M forever. So now, it’s just B & I. I lost myself after M left. Yes, B is making the effort to get me for himself but I’m scared of going back to that life. I was scared of having just him and no life aside him. I was scared of being fully committed because he can break me like he’s done always.
B gives the energy but doesn’t get it fully from me because he made me lose myself & the person who made me have a life. Unlucky for me, Karma pops in. B gets a friend like M was with me and now gives his all to her, expecting me to fight for him because I cheated and gave him less energy when he was giving his all🤦🏼♀️. But was that my fault? You made me that.
I confronted the girl to just set limits with her relations with B. B gets pissed at me for failing to give him the energy and confronting a 3rd party. As always, B stood by her side and asked for a break up. Because she was (is) his happiness & I’ve never been and he was just hanging around hoping I’d get back to a better me.
Was my crime allowing myself to open up to friendship? Was I a fool for sticking with you all throughout your cheating moments? He chooses the new girl over me a 1000 times and I’m broken💔. Why did you keep me shielded all my life when you know you didn’t like me. Why should me evolving just once be your reason for a breakup? The girl even called me a cheat who’s facing her karma💔💔💔, this life💔.